Top Ten funny things my children have said and the stories behind them

1. “Uuuuuh, Mama he’s got a boner” Erika, 13 years old 

So yeah Mufasa is boy dog.  Being a boy he comes with boy parts.  I was petting the top of his furry doggy skull.  Nowhere near said boy parts and apparently he got excited, Hence what Erika said.

1. “But I want this hand”  Katie..........

Katie was in one of her I want this I want that fits.  Being fed up with hearing it I finally said.

“Katie hold out your hands”  She holds out her hands. “Katie you can want in this hand and shit in the other and guess which one gets filled up first”  she says “I don’t know”  I said “this hand” indicating the hand I said was the one filled with said poo.  

Her response  “but I want this hand” I laughed and gave her whatever it was that she had wanted for entertaining me. 

1. “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!”  Erika 14 years old 

My room with my husband Loren is next to Erika’s room.  When she hears certain things she will scream “THINK OF THE CHILDREN”  

1. “Blowjobs”  Erika 12 years old 

Erika and I were sitting out on the deck talking about her science class.  Now in science they had been talking about maturation and AIDS.  When another student asked what a blow job was.  To which with the teacher replied “it is when another person sucks on genitalia”  Erika knowing what I blow job was thought her teachers answer was kind of lacking and was making fun of her to me.  I then of course explained when the teacher had to answer that way.  They can not go into detail about suck matters.  Erika understood and said that made more sense.  

.......so unfortunately this is when my husband Loren chose to walk out and ask “What are you guys talking about”  I didn’t even have a chance Erika looks up at her Dada bats her beautiful eyes at him and and says 

“Blowjobs”

1. “It’s like caused it”  Coley 9 years old 

Coley as people in our immediate family knows is very extremely gassy.  They do not smell but they have volume (they are LOUD).  

So we are playing little big planet.  I do not know the level I just know this is the sequence of events.

Coley farted, everything in the room they were in crashed Coley screamed  “IT’S LIKE I CAUSED IT”

1. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 hostage pens”  Erika 14 years old 

We are at a store I won’t name the store and there was a table for a company I won’t say which one that was left unattended.  I told her to get one pen for me.

She comes back

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5 hostage pens”  She had taken the opportunity to acquire as many as pens as possible.  Coley got three. 

1. “Cause they were delicious”  Katie 4 years old 

“Katie, why did you eat my chips” I say

“Cause they were delicious” Katie replies 

This can happen with any food or earrings. (Sorry Courtney)

1. “I call it dragon” Coley 6 years old 

Coley is playing Legend of Zelda on her Gameboy Advance.  Uncle Joe is over and he kind of took it from her to “help”.  From this point on Coley is backseat gaming to Uncle Joe.

When this wonderfully entertaining exchange happens.

“Get the dragon map Uncle Joe, the dragon Map” Coley says

“What’d you call it Coley” he says

silence from coley

“It’s dungeon map Coley DUNGEON” he says

“I call it Dragon”  Coley says

1. “Coley wouldn’t it be better if you just died in your sleep”  Erika 14 years old 

We were driving home from Grandma Mary’s house.  I had to pull over and have Loren drive because my leg had gone numb.

Coley.....”I gotta stay awake to make sure Dada doesn’t pass out”

Erika .......” Coley wouldn’t it be better if you just died in your sleep”  

1. “It was enchilada night”  Coley 12 years old 

We were watching a documentary on the big bang.  Me being a snot said “god just farted”  

Coley looks at me and says “Yeah mama” then they giggles  “it was enchilada night”

Okay this next one defies numbers and can not yet be rated so it is the grand poobah of funny shit my kids have ever said.

This was a conversation between my brother Jonny and Coley.

“knock knock”  Coley initiates

“Whose there” Jonny responds

“your car” Coley says

“your car who”  Jonny asks

“your car got stolen” Coley states.

Keep in mind Jonny’s car had just been stolen like less then six months before.  

Jonny had to call me that moment to tell me my daughter had done this because he almost drove off the road from laughing so hard.  Coley was 2 and half.  

Honorable mention from kids not spawned from my womb.

“Auntie Karen you shouldn’t put a cat in the microwave”  Jackson age 8

“It’s not for wacking” Jackson age 9

“This is Jazz hands, this is spirit fingers”  Jake age 6

“Uncle Loren I have a problem”  Jake age 4 (he had shit himself)

“kill em grandmama kill em” Jake age 3

“I’m the ring bear, grrrrr” James age 3

“I helped Daddy fix the lawn mower”  Sean age 9

“whats better then pie james” daddy says “two pies” replies James age 3

“want me to shank um Karen, I’ll slap them into a slim Jim” Kayla age 11