Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Thursday, January 5, 2012
And now a guest blog from Erika and Coley
FANCY FONT TIME!!!!!!
This one is called Trebuchet.
Okay so. We were in the kitchen with our Dad. Coley was resting her head on his stomach. She said "OH MY GLOB(adventure time reference) it's a temperpedic!!!" He flexed his stomach and Coley's face bounced off and fell back into his stomach. Erika then said(being all snarky smart and stuff) "With every action there is an equal but opposite reaction."
Well we are guessing he didn't like that so he responded with "THANK YOU EINSTEIN!!"
Well Erika quickly said "Newton. It was Newton"
That is all :D
This one is called Trebuchet.
Okay so. We were in the kitchen with our Dad. Coley was resting her head on his stomach. She said "OH MY GLOB(adventure time reference) it's a temperpedic!!!" He flexed his stomach and Coley's face bounced off and fell back into his stomach. Erika then said(being all snarky smart and stuff) "With every action there is an equal but opposite reaction."
Well we are guessing he didn't like that so he responded with "THANK YOU EINSTEIN!!"
Well Erika quickly said "Newton. It was Newton"
That is all :D
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Top Ten funny things my children have said and the stories behind them
- “Uuuuuh, Mama he’s got a boner” Erika, 13 years old
So yeah Mufasa is boy dog. Being a boy he comes with boy parts. I was petting the top of his furry doggy skull. Nowhere near said boy parts and apparently he got excited, Hence what Erika said.
- “But I want this hand” Katie..........
Katie was in one of her I want this I want that fits. Being fed up with hearing it I finally said.
“Katie hold out your hands” She holds out her hands. “Katie you can want in this hand and shit in the other and guess which one gets filled up first” she says “I don’t know” I said “this hand” indicating the hand I said was the one filled with said poo.
Her response “but I want this hand” I laughed and gave her whatever it was that she had wanted for entertaining me.
- “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!” Erika 14 years old
My room with my husband Loren is next to Erika’s room. When she hears certain things she will scream “THINK OF THE CHILDREN”
- “Blowjobs” Erika 12 years old
Erika and I were sitting out on the deck talking about her science class. Now in science they had been talking about maturation and AIDS. When another student asked what a blow job was. To which with the teacher replied “it is when another person sucks on genitalia” Erika knowing what I blow job was thought her teachers answer was kind of lacking and was making fun of her to me. I then of course explained when the teacher had to answer that way. They can not go into detail about suck matters. Erika understood and said that made more sense.
.......so unfortunately this is when my husband Loren chose to walk out and ask “What are you guys talking about” I didn’t even have a chance Erika looks up at her Dada bats her beautiful eyes at him and and says
“Blowjobs”
- “It’s like caused it” Coley 9 years old
Coley as people in our immediate family knows is very extremely gassy. They do not smell but they have volume (they are LOUD).
So we are playing little big planet. I do not know the level I just know this is the sequence of events.
Coley farted, everything in the room they were in crashed Coley screamed “IT’S LIKE I CAUSED IT”
- “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 hostage pens” Erika 14 years old
We are at a store I won’t name the store and there was a table for a company I won’t say which one that was left unattended. I told her to get one pen for me.
She comes back
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5 hostage pens” She had taken the opportunity to acquire as many as pens as possible. Coley got three.
- “Cause they were delicious” Katie 4 years old
“Katie, why did you eat my chips” I say
“Cause they were delicious” Katie replies
This can happen with any food or earrings. (Sorry Courtney)
- “I call it dragon” Coley 6 years old
Coley is playing Legend of Zelda on her Gameboy Advance. Uncle Joe is over and he kind of took it from her to “help”. From this point on Coley is backseat gaming to Uncle Joe.
When this wonderfully entertaining exchange happens.
“Get the dragon map Uncle Joe, the dragon Map” Coley says
“What’d you call it Coley” he says
silence from coley
“It’s dungeon map Coley DUNGEON” he says
“I call it Dragon” Coley says
- “Coley wouldn’t it be better if you just died in your sleep” Erika 14 years old
We were driving home from Grandma Mary’s house. I had to pull over and have Loren drive because my leg had gone numb.
Coley.....”I gotta stay awake to make sure Dada doesn’t pass out”
Erika .......” Coley wouldn’t it be better if you just died in your sleep”
- “It was enchilada night” Coley 12 years old
We were watching a documentary on the big bang. Me being a snot said “god just farted”
Coley looks at me and says “Yeah mama” then they giggles “it was enchilada night”
Okay this next one defies numbers and can not yet be rated so it is the grand poobah of funny shit my kids have ever said.
This was a conversation between my brother Jonny and Coley.
“knock knock” Coley initiates
“Whose there” Jonny responds
“your car” Coley says
“your car who” Jonny asks
“your car got stolen” Coley states.
Keep in mind Jonny’s car had just been stolen like less then six months before.
Jonny had to call me that moment to tell me my daughter had done this because he almost drove off the road from laughing so hard. Coley was 2 and half.
“Auntie Karen you shouldn’t put a cat in the microwave” Jackson age 8
Honorable mention from kids not spawned from my womb.
“Auntie Karen you shouldn’t put a cat in the microwave” Jackson age 8
“It’s not for wacking” Jackson age 9
“This is Jazz hands, this is spirit fingers” Jake age 6
“Uncle Loren I have a problem” Jake age 4 (he had shit himself)
“kill em grandmama kill em” Jake age 3
“I’m the ring bear, grrrrr” James age 3
“I helped Daddy fix the lawn mower” Sean age 9
“whats better then pie james” daddy says “two pies” replies James age 3
“want me to shank um Karen, I’ll slap them into a slim Jim” Kayla age 11
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Cake Tops
Sooooo........
Anybody who has seen me lately knows that I have been losing weight. Now I do not weigh myself because honestly I am convinced that I am really only losing inches not actual weight because I am gaining muscle, either that or all the scales in the world lie (I am betting on both). So to see if I am actually losing weight, I try on my skinny pants that I could wear before I had Katie.
LAST NIGHT I GOT THEM ON!!!!!!
Yay me (woot woot)
so I walk into the living room where Erika and Coley (two super supportive children as you will see as this story progresses) are playing mindcraft (very annoying game I hate it they hog the computer). Anyways I was run into the living room and stop and say okay like of shout
"GIRLS!!! LOOK WHAT I WAS ABLE TO GET ON!!!"
I think I startled them a bit.
They both turn around and say "what?" so in my super fast I am excited and will take twice as long too get this out then I would if I just calmed myself say.
"I got into my skinny pants (stutter lysp etc etc that is hard to type out what I sounded like, so use your imagination)"
I then inquired if it looked okay to which they both replied yes mama you look just fine. I wasn't so sure so I walked closer to them and said are you sure.
"oh mama your right you are kind of muffin topping in that" says Coley
"Coley this is a cake top honey" giggle laugh snort I reply
I then well after I stopped laughing said.
"I just said I got them on not that I should wear them in public yet, I mean look" then I turned around and I was like major crack city and they both were like "GASP!!!"
Now I know that these pants should not be worn out yet I will get there just not there yet, so no one worry that you are going to see my booty.
So then for the next half hour my daughters and I sat there and made fun of me because of the pants, I couldn't even take a full step in them.
However all that aside I got them on zippered and buttoned without any blood, laying on a bed or sucking in of air, so I am happy.
And the point of all this is that everyone needs to use the phrase cake top when muffin top doesn't explain the situation well enough.
Anybody who has seen me lately knows that I have been losing weight. Now I do not weigh myself because honestly I am convinced that I am really only losing inches not actual weight because I am gaining muscle, either that or all the scales in the world lie (I am betting on both). So to see if I am actually losing weight, I try on my skinny pants that I could wear before I had Katie.
LAST NIGHT I GOT THEM ON!!!!!!
Yay me (woot woot)
so I walk into the living room where Erika and Coley (two super supportive children as you will see as this story progresses) are playing mindcraft (very annoying game I hate it they hog the computer). Anyways I was run into the living room and stop and say okay like of shout
"GIRLS!!! LOOK WHAT I WAS ABLE TO GET ON!!!"
I think I startled them a bit.
They both turn around and say "what?" so in my super fast I am excited and will take twice as long too get this out then I would if I just calmed myself say.
"I got into my skinny pants (stutter lysp etc etc that is hard to type out what I sounded like, so use your imagination)"
I then inquired if it looked okay to which they both replied yes mama you look just fine. I wasn't so sure so I walked closer to them and said are you sure.
"oh mama your right you are kind of muffin topping in that" says Coley
"Coley this is a cake top honey" giggle laugh snort I reply
I then well after I stopped laughing said.
"I just said I got them on not that I should wear them in public yet, I mean look" then I turned around and I was like major crack city and they both were like "GASP!!!"
Now I know that these pants should not be worn out yet I will get there just not there yet, so no one worry that you are going to see my booty.
So then for the next half hour my daughters and I sat there and made fun of me because of the pants, I couldn't even take a full step in them.
However all that aside I got them on zippered and buttoned without any blood, laying on a bed or sucking in of air, so I am happy.
And the point of all this is that everyone needs to use the phrase cake top when muffin top doesn't explain the situation well enough.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Sweet Cupping Cakes StrongBad
I have this fabulous friend from work, her name is Shanlei.
Shanlei is an amazing baker, she designs cakes that are just, I mean well they would blow your mind. However lately she has been making cupcakes, and because I am her work mama she always shares by bring me one neatly wrapped and on a paper plate. (well that and I whined at her sinca Angie her brothers boyfriend and our supervisor kept bragging about getting to eat these fantastic cupcakes).
For instance when she first surprised me she brought in an apple cupcake. The cake was cinnamon apple with an apple filling and with a cream cheese frosting and cinnamon apple crumble on it. OMJM&C amazing!! I talked about it for days Scott told me to shut up about the cup cake.
The second one she brought to me was a chocolate cupcake. She had a gummy worm in the filling with chocolate frosting and a white chocolate hand coming out of the top of the cupcake. (she was going for the dirt pudding that kids make at Halloween time) Once again amazing!!
For Halloween she made everyone in our department pumpkin cupcakes. It was a pumpkind spice cupcake with a pumpkin filling and cream cheese frosting with a cake crumble top with carmel drizzled on.
I had to split this cupcake up five ways when I got home. Why? Because I keep going on about how amazing Shanlei's cupcakes are to my kids. So I ended up with just a small portion of this cupcake but OMJM&C it was the best yet. And I do not like pumpkin stuff at all. I told Loren I ate it and he was like "you ate something Pumpkin!!!!" "Yes Loren they are that amazing" "why didn't I get some?" "it's a cupcake Loren they are only so big I had to give a piece to the girls and mom" "I want a cupcake" sigh sulk hmmmmm.
Okay so I did feel kind of bad. However I can not control the output of cupcakes from Shanlei. She out of the goodness of her heart shares these with me because she is fabulous and loves me. Because I am that amazing. I truly am you all know me so you should know that anyways.
However this is not about me it's about the cupcakes.
So Monday Shanlei brings in her latest creation in to me. Well actually she comes in and tells me about the cupcakes she made this past weekend.
The first cupcake was a Jalapeno cinnamon cupcake with a maple glaze on top and maple frosting with bacon pieces and jalapeno pieces sprinkled on. She said this was gross but her uncle and cousin ate them all and called the next day to order more. So I did not get one of these (she would have brought me one)
The second kind she made was a keylime pie cupcake. It was a lime cupcake with a graham cracker bottom (this was genius) and sugar based frosting with lime zest on.
This cupcake was very good but the texture and citrus was hard for me to reconcile. I did like it a lot it was amazing, just not as amazing as the apple or pumpkin. We can all have favorites.
However this is all background for the point of the story.
This was monday and I woke up at like 11 pm realized I had not eaten my sweet sweet cupping cake and came out to the living room to partake of the yummy goodness of this cupcake. Since I have been looking forward to it all day.
Loren was up at the computer, and I have taken a bite of the cupcake and was like hmmm not sure hmmm.
He takes the cupcake "can I have some" "sure, I am not sure about it tastes good just weird to me"
Loren shoves the whole thing in his mouth. Understand I had, had a small bite of the cupcake, and he shoved a cupcake whole in his face.
Loren gets this look of pleasure on his face and moans "ooooooooo"
"she is a genius she needs to open a shop Oh my god Karen that is the best cupcake I have ever tasted"
and he licks his fingers for every single morsel on it.
Loren really enjoys his food but this reaction was even above his normal food gasim that he has been known to have.
Lesson learned from story.
1 define to loren how much of your food you are willing to share
2 Shanlei is amazing and a genius and should open a shop. Because they are just that amazing.
3 It is funny to watch Loren enjoy food
4 I am an amazing fabulous person and you all should love me.
Anyways I tell this story because one I want you all to be jealous of the sweet cupping cakes I get from my buddy who is amazing Shanlei, because I like to say sweet cuppingcakes (check out homestarrunner.com strongbad emails it is an episode in there). And it amused me a great deal to watch Loren rapture while eating this cupcake.
So thank you Shanlei you are a truly amazing friend and baker and I think you need to look into culinary school because you are self taught and this amazing.
And thank you Loren for enjoying the cupcake enjoyment.
Shanlei is an amazing baker, she designs cakes that are just, I mean well they would blow your mind. However lately she has been making cupcakes, and because I am her work mama she always shares by bring me one neatly wrapped and on a paper plate. (well that and I whined at her sinca Angie her brothers boyfriend and our supervisor kept bragging about getting to eat these fantastic cupcakes).
For instance when she first surprised me she brought in an apple cupcake. The cake was cinnamon apple with an apple filling and with a cream cheese frosting and cinnamon apple crumble on it. OMJM&C amazing!! I talked about it for days Scott told me to shut up about the cup cake.
The second one she brought to me was a chocolate cupcake. She had a gummy worm in the filling with chocolate frosting and a white chocolate hand coming out of the top of the cupcake. (she was going for the dirt pudding that kids make at Halloween time) Once again amazing!!
For Halloween she made everyone in our department pumpkin cupcakes. It was a pumpkind spice cupcake with a pumpkin filling and cream cheese frosting with a cake crumble top with carmel drizzled on.
I had to split this cupcake up five ways when I got home. Why? Because I keep going on about how amazing Shanlei's cupcakes are to my kids. So I ended up with just a small portion of this cupcake but OMJM&C it was the best yet. And I do not like pumpkin stuff at all. I told Loren I ate it and he was like "you ate something Pumpkin!!!!" "Yes Loren they are that amazing" "why didn't I get some?" "it's a cupcake Loren they are only so big I had to give a piece to the girls and mom" "I want a cupcake" sigh sulk hmmmmm.
Okay so I did feel kind of bad. However I can not control the output of cupcakes from Shanlei. She out of the goodness of her heart shares these with me because she is fabulous and loves me. Because I am that amazing. I truly am you all know me so you should know that anyways.
However this is not about me it's about the cupcakes.
So Monday Shanlei brings in her latest creation in to me. Well actually she comes in and tells me about the cupcakes she made this past weekend.
The first cupcake was a Jalapeno cinnamon cupcake with a maple glaze on top and maple frosting with bacon pieces and jalapeno pieces sprinkled on. She said this was gross but her uncle and cousin ate them all and called the next day to order more. So I did not get one of these (she would have brought me one)
The second kind she made was a keylime pie cupcake. It was a lime cupcake with a graham cracker bottom (this was genius) and sugar based frosting with lime zest on.
This cupcake was very good but the texture and citrus was hard for me to reconcile. I did like it a lot it was amazing, just not as amazing as the apple or pumpkin. We can all have favorites.
However this is all background for the point of the story.
This was monday and I woke up at like 11 pm realized I had not eaten my sweet sweet cupping cake and came out to the living room to partake of the yummy goodness of this cupcake. Since I have been looking forward to it all day.
Loren was up at the computer, and I have taken a bite of the cupcake and was like hmmm not sure hmmm.
He takes the cupcake "can I have some" "sure, I am not sure about it tastes good just weird to me"
Loren shoves the whole thing in his mouth. Understand I had, had a small bite of the cupcake, and he shoved a cupcake whole in his face.
Loren gets this look of pleasure on his face and moans "ooooooooo"
"she is a genius she needs to open a shop Oh my god Karen that is the best cupcake I have ever tasted"
and he licks his fingers for every single morsel on it.
Loren really enjoys his food but this reaction was even above his normal food gasim that he has been known to have.
Lesson learned from story.
1 define to loren how much of your food you are willing to share
2 Shanlei is amazing and a genius and should open a shop. Because they are just that amazing.
3 It is funny to watch Loren enjoy food
4 I am an amazing fabulous person and you all should love me.
Anyways I tell this story because one I want you all to be jealous of the sweet cupping cakes I get from my buddy who is amazing Shanlei, because I like to say sweet cuppingcakes (check out homestarrunner.com strongbad emails it is an episode in there). And it amused me a great deal to watch Loren rapture while eating this cupcake.
So thank you Shanlei you are a truly amazing friend and baker and I think you need to look into culinary school because you are self taught and this amazing.
And thank you Loren for enjoying the cupcake enjoyment.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Katie "helped"
So I am sick today. I was sick yesterday as well. I am not on top of my game as I usually am. Coley left her challenge homework on the back of the couch when she went to cheer. Me who is sick in bed didn't know this.
That is the background now for the story...........
I walked out to the living room and was sharing some interesting news with Erika and Loren. My sister in law Erika will not be able to com over tomorrow as they have a car down. Also we were talking about how much this cold we have all been through sucks some chupacabra butt. (if you don't know what that is look it up it's a cyrpto animal).
Anywas I walk back around the couch to go back to my warm snuggly bed and I look down......
"GASP!!!!! oh no Coley is gonna kill you" I exclaim and take something away from Katie
"no she wont mama" Katie replies
Loren and Erika look over
"GASP!!!!" (in unison) Loren and Erika exclaim
"yes she is going to kill you Katie" Erika states
"giggle she is going to be so pissed" Loren says
"Katie you should not have done that, Coley is really going to kill you" I say
"but I don't want to be buried mama" Katie says
I hand the something to Erika she puts it out of reach
"Well then you should not touch Coley's shit Katie" I say
" it wasn't shit mama" Katie says
(she had me there)
"well you shouldn't touch Coley's stuff Katie" I tell her
"but I don't want to be dead mama" Katie says
"once again Katie you shouldn't touch her things" I inform her
During all of this Erika and Loren can not decide whether to laugh hysterically or be totally scared for Katie's life.
"mama, you should ground coley or spank her" Katie says very seriously
"Katie I am not going to punish Coley because you touched her stuff and messed it up" I say
"why did you do this Katies?"
in her most serious voice and with a very grave face
"mama I was helping Coley finish her homework!!!"
Coley is in Challenge and every week they have a special vocabulary word they must draw a picture of and use in a sentence. Coley take a great deal of time on this to make sure it looks right, Katie "helped" by coloring on the picture.
It is due tomorrow at Challenge and Coley is at cheer practice until eight tonight. She is going to freak out.
I figure yes Katie should not have messed with Coley's things but Coley should have put it away so it is partly her fault.
Plus Katie was only trying to "help"
Ah four year olds they are amazing.
LOL
That is the background now for the story...........
I walked out to the living room and was sharing some interesting news with Erika and Loren. My sister in law Erika will not be able to com over tomorrow as they have a car down. Also we were talking about how much this cold we have all been through sucks some chupacabra butt. (if you don't know what that is look it up it's a cyrpto animal).
Anywas I walk back around the couch to go back to my warm snuggly bed and I look down......
"GASP!!!!! oh no Coley is gonna kill you" I exclaim and take something away from Katie
"no she wont mama" Katie replies
Loren and Erika look over
"GASP!!!!" (in unison) Loren and Erika exclaim
"yes she is going to kill you Katie" Erika states
"giggle she is going to be so pissed" Loren says
"Katie you should not have done that, Coley is really going to kill you" I say
"but I don't want to be buried mama" Katie says
I hand the something to Erika she puts it out of reach
"Well then you should not touch Coley's shit Katie" I say
" it wasn't shit mama" Katie says
(she had me there)
"well you shouldn't touch Coley's stuff Katie" I tell her
"but I don't want to be dead mama" Katie says
"once again Katie you shouldn't touch her things" I inform her
During all of this Erika and Loren can not decide whether to laugh hysterically or be totally scared for Katie's life.
"mama, you should ground coley or spank her" Katie says very seriously
"Katie I am not going to punish Coley because you touched her stuff and messed it up" I say
"why did you do this Katies?"
in her most serious voice and with a very grave face
"mama I was helping Coley finish her homework!!!"
Coley is in Challenge and every week they have a special vocabulary word they must draw a picture of and use in a sentence. Coley take a great deal of time on this to make sure it looks right, Katie "helped" by coloring on the picture.
It is due tomorrow at Challenge and Coley is at cheer practice until eight tonight. She is going to freak out.
I figure yes Katie should not have messed with Coley's things but Coley should have put it away so it is partly her fault.
Plus Katie was only trying to "help"
Ah four year olds they are amazing.
LOL
Sunday, September 25, 2011
My cat Zoey is bad Ass
So it is 3:25 in the morning on a Sunday, I am sitting here waiting for my iphone to update and finish syncing.
I hear a buzzing I look up........there is a stinking crane fly buzzing right above my desk. Ugh I hate anything that flies. They scare the bejeezus out of me. But I try to be chill. "Karen it is just a crane fly they can not hurt you just ignore it. It can not kill you"
My heart is racing and I am not entirely succeeding in keeping my chill up. I am seriously in danger of freaking out and screaming like a little girl, which of course would ruin my icee chill rep.
Zoey meanwhile is just sitting in the printer watching. I keep touching her because I don't want her to jump on the top of the desk and knock stuff over. I know she is eyeing this crane fly and wants to kill it.
The crane fly decides to fly at a lower altitude and it is buzzing around my desk lamp then it gets stuck behind the speaker. When it come out it starts getting lower and lower. Oh My Jesus Mac and Cheese it is like less then six inches from my head. "stay chill stay chill"
Just as I am about to scream and run for protection. Zoey all Karate kid style swipes out a paw catches the crane fly and eats it. Looks at me definitely thinking "there you go this is how I roll you wussy" sits down and meows.
I pet her and think damn my cat is BAD ASS. Thank god Zoey saved me from a meltdown. I think she gets extra kitty treats.
I hear a buzzing I look up........there is a stinking crane fly buzzing right above my desk. Ugh I hate anything that flies. They scare the bejeezus out of me. But I try to be chill. "Karen it is just a crane fly they can not hurt you just ignore it. It can not kill you"
My heart is racing and I am not entirely succeeding in keeping my chill up. I am seriously in danger of freaking out and screaming like a little girl, which of course would ruin my icee chill rep.
Zoey meanwhile is just sitting in the printer watching. I keep touching her because I don't want her to jump on the top of the desk and knock stuff over. I know she is eyeing this crane fly and wants to kill it.
The crane fly decides to fly at a lower altitude and it is buzzing around my desk lamp then it gets stuck behind the speaker. When it come out it starts getting lower and lower. Oh My Jesus Mac and Cheese it is like less then six inches from my head. "stay chill stay chill"
Just as I am about to scream and run for protection. Zoey all Karate kid style swipes out a paw catches the crane fly and eats it. Looks at me definitely thinking "there you go this is how I roll you wussy" sits down and meows.
I pet her and think damn my cat is BAD ASS. Thank god Zoey saved me from a meltdown. I think she gets extra kitty treats.
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